Why?

It’s not the drugs-I stopped those and survived the withdrawals.

When I was “tapering” off a couple of prescriptions that didn’t help as hoped, it made me cry. I don’t mean a little boo-hooing. I mean bawling as if the world had ended and I was the only person left. As if my - never mind, because I really don’t want to describe any other catastrophes that could make me cry like that again. I mean, it seems that even writing it down would put a jinx on my people and/or me. But I don’t believe I’ve cried with such intensity and agony, to the point that it felt like it would never stop, in a very long time.

The last few days have felt almost that bad. I could list more than a few reasons, worsening disability being the worst. This has been obvious to everyone for about 11 or 12 years. SHH (super hero husband) has an uncanny ability to find gadgets as well as big things that truly make my life easier and better. Suffice to say that they are not cheap, but he never has expressed any concern about cost. My worry about money is a holdover from pre-adulthood.

After racking my brain these past few days, I think that I’m feeling prematurely old, and that it’s been building all these years. I know, I know, we are all always getting older. But I hate that I can’t do a major zip line again. I can’t pick up my 23 pound dog. It’s a process to hug my people. To shower safely, my husband has to be pretty close by. Independently, I can’t get on my freedom chair or wheelchair or (very cool) scooter and head outside. Really these losses have been building since I was diagnosed at the age of thirty. But maybe now, it’s gotten to be too much. I mean, come on!

What I need is a good therapist, who’s paid to listen to me cry about my circumstances. Ironically, the last time I had a GOOD therapist , I had MS problems, but mostly I had a big box of totally different problems. You can see therapists on your phone! Your tablet ! Your PC! But it doesn’t make finding a good one any easier. Guess I’d better get started looking.